Ring!!!
Me: (with a really bad old person accent): H-h-hello?
TM: Good afternoon. This is Chuck from the Federal Insurance Exchange. May I ask your name?
Me: Mildred Ethel Henrietta McGillacuddy Smith (I have no idea where that name come from) But you can call me Mildred Ethel Henrietta
TM: Uh, um...Mildred Edith Henrietta...
Me: No. My name is Mildred ETHEL Henrietta not Mildred Edith Henrietta
TM: My apologies (at least he has manners). Are you satisfied with your Medicaid provider?
Me (still in my elderly persona): Not really. I went to Walmart to buy hemorrhoid cream, Wesson oil, a scarf and a pineapple. They were not covered by my insurance.
TM hangs up. I think the name threw him for a loop.

Satellite saleslady at Walmart: Ma'am how much do you pay for cable?

Me: We don't. Comcast has given us free lifetime cable because of the lawsuit.

Lady: Huh?

​Me: My husband, Dave--bless his heart--almost got electrocuted while hooking up cable to our new jumbo flatscreen. He gets to watch Barney for free and I get to watch any premium movie channel. But thanks for drudging up painful memories

Me: Hello?

TM: This is Wayne from Xfiniti. I'd like to talk to Mr. Breedlove about securing his home. (Please note that he doesn't actually want to talk to me. I had a run in with a rep a few weeks ago--something about the rep's parentage so I think I've been regulated to the rude customer list)

Me: This is Mr. Breedlove. (Total lie of course)

TM: How secure do you feel?
​
Me: In my masculinity?

TM: No in your home.

Me: Pretty good. We have a 9mm gun, a Lady Smith and Wesson, a rifle, a ninja (Regan), a loud mouth (Wesley) and two large vicious dogs (again, total lie--our dogs would throw us to the criminals for a pork chop)

TM: You could save $10 dollars a month on your internet and you'd have the peace of mind that comes along with having a reliable security company.

Me: I have a wife who could take down anything. She's a b#$@%

​Dial tone. Thanks, Dave, for calling me names.

T​M: Our company is offering to clean your HVAC system

Me: My husband is a HVAC guy (not really but honestly, I don't know exactly what my husband does all day. As long as it's legal, I'm good)

TM: We also replace windows

Me: I don't use Apple products

TM: No--house windows

Me: My nephew is a glazier (which is true)

TM: Septic?

Me: Sewer (lie)

TM: Clogged pipes

Me: I take fiber everyday so my pipes are clear (true)

TM: Vacuum repair? 

Me: Hardwood floors. (sort of a lie)

TM: Are your gutters dirty?

Me: No, I send my kids to the roof and take the ladder away until the gutters are cleaned. Look, I admire your persistence, but I can do this all day. Annoying telemarketers is a hobby of mine and I'm very good at it.

TM: Bitch

​Me: We have cats.

So last night, we got a call from Pam from Windows Security with an important message about our at-risk computer.

TM:  We can fix your computer remotely

Me:  We don't have any computers.  The machines will rise and obliterate us on April 18, 2018 when Artificial Intelligence develops.  My spirit guide, Wesley-ette, from the 7th dimension of the plant Tyrika told me to prepare for the End of Days.

She hung up on me.  Apparently, I'm too strange for telemarketers.